巧用比喻，提升续写

广东 李奕群

【问题导读】

在进行读后续写的过程中，人物情绪的凸显和刻画是非常重要的。很多同学在进行读后续写中的情绪描写的时候角度单一、语言呆板，常常只用寥寥几个形容词进行直白的描述，难以打动读者。

先有意动，才有花动。以李白的《静夜思》为例：床前明月光，疑是地上霜。举头望明月，低头思故乡。如果只写前两句，这首诗还只是写物象，而通过月亮想到故乡，把月光和故乡关联起来，表达作者心中的愁思，能够引起读者心中的无限惆怅，意境就体现出来了。单纯的物象描写只为情节服务，把不同的物象放在一定的语境里，让读者产生联想，才能凸显人物情绪，刻画人物形象。所以，在进行读后续写的过程中，选好物象，运用比喻，能更好地凸显人物情绪，极大增强故事叙述的文学性。

【名师导学】

比喻就是根据事物之间的相似点，把某一事物比作另一事物，依据比喻和被比喻的两种不同事物的相似关系构成的修辞格，也是最富感染力的修辞手法之一。判定比喻修辞手法的词有(as)...as、like 等，这些词被称作比喻词（acknowledging word），它们是辨别比喻的最显著的特征。在人物性格描写中使用比喻可以把抽象的事物变得具体、形象，给文字增加画面感，增强语言的表现力。

【案例导引】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

“I'm going to miss you so much,Poppy,”said the tall,thin teenager.He bent down to hug his old friend goodbye.He stood up,hugged his parents,and smiled,trying not to let his emotions get the better of him.

His parents were not quite able to keep theirs under control.They had driven their son several hours out of town to the university where he would soon be living and studying.It was time to say goodbye for now at least.The family hugged and smiled through misty eyes and then laughed.

The boy lifted the last bag onto his shoulder and flashed a smile as bright as daylight.“I guess this is it,”he said.“I'll see you back home in a month,okay?”His parents nodded,and they watched as he walked out of sight into the crowds of hundreds of students and parents.The boy's mother turned to the dog,“Okay,Poppy.It's time to go back home.”

The house seemed quiet as a tomb without the boy living there.All that week,Poppy didn't seem interested in her dinner,her favorite toy,or even in her daily walk,just like a deflated balloon.Her owners were sad too,but they knew their son would be back to visit.However,Poppy didn't know that.

They offered the dog some of her favorite peanut butter treats.They even let her sit on the sofa,but the old girl just wasn't cheerful as usual.Her owners started to get worried.“What should we do to cheer Poppy up?We've tried everything,”Dad said.

“I have an idea,but it might be a little crazy.Without anybody left in the house but us,this place may lack fun.Let's get a little dog for Poppy,”Mom said.

It didn't take long before they walked through the front door carrying a big box.Poppy welcomed them home as usual,but when she saw the box,she stopped.She put her nose on it.Her tail began wagging(摆动)ever so slowly,and then excitement took hold of her like thunder as she caught the smell.

注意：续写词数应为150左右。

Paragraph 1:

Dadopenedtheboxandasweetlittledogappeared._______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Paragraph 2:

Afewweekslater,theboyarrivedhomefromuniversity.____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

一、故事梳理

这篇文章是以第三人称的视角讲述男孩去外地上大学后，家里的狗因为思念男孩郁郁寡欢，对什么都没有兴趣，父母为了让其振作起来，于是想再养一只狗的故事。这个故事体现出浓浓的亲情，还有人和动物之间的感情。我们可以用“STAR原则”来分析文章的结构和内容：

S(situation)T(target)___A(acti______on)___R(resu_____lt)The boy went to a university in another town.After that,Poppy didn't seem interested in her dinner,her favorite toy,or even in her daily walk.___________________Poppy could cheer herself up._____________________________________________Parents got a little dog for Poppy.__________________________________________Poppy felt excited about the little dog.______________________________________

二、语言分析

通过观察我们发现原文中使用了大量的比喻句，这些比喻句的使用可以让我们更好地理解人物情绪以及解读人物的个性。例如：

1.The boy lifted the last bag onto his shoulder and flashed a smile as bright as daylight.（Para.3）

男孩把最后一个袋子扛到肩上，露出了像日光一样灿烂的笑容。

2.The house seemed quiet as a tomb without the boy living there.（Para.4）

没有那个男孩住在那里，这所房子似乎像一座坟墓一样安静。

3.All that week,Poppy didn't seem interested in her dinner,her favorite toy,or even in her daily walk,just like a deflated balloon.（Para.4）

整个星期，波比似乎对她的晚餐、她最喜欢的玩具，甚至对她每天的散步都不感兴趣，就像一个泄气的气球一样。

4.Her tail began wagging ever so slowly,and then excitement took hold of her like thunder as she caught the smell.（Para.7）

她的尾巴开始慢慢地摇着，当她闻到气味时，她兴奋得像被闪电击中了一样。

三、常用招式

在用比喻句进行情绪描写的时候，我们可以使用以下句式。

1.情绪句式一：sb do sth like a...

Filled with rage,he charged towards me like a bull.

他满腔怒火，如公牛般向我冲来。

Falling into sadness,Rose buried her crestfallen face in arms like a deflated balloon.

罗斯陷入悲伤，沮丧的脸埋在怀里，就像一个泄气的气球。

Drown in laughter,Jimmy dashed out of the school like a free bird.

吉米笑了，像一只自由的鸟一样冲出了学校。

2.情绪句式二：情绪名词+wash over/take hold of/overwhelm sb like...

Happiness washed over him like warm sunshine.

幸福就像温暖的阳光一样笼罩着他。

Anger took hold of him like a wild beast.

他愤怒得像一头野兽。

3.情绪句式三：as+情绪形容词+as+意象

as happy as a clam at high tide 像涨潮时的蛤蜊一样高兴

as nervous as a cat on hot bricks 紧张得像热锅上的蚂蚁

as pale as a sheet 苍白如纸

as tough as old boots 很强壮；坚韧不拔

as sly as a fox 狡猾得像只狐狸

as busy as bees 忙得不可开交

as blind as a bat 有眼无珠；视力不佳

as cheerful as a lark 兴高采烈

as cross as a bear 脾气很坏；怒气冲冲

as deep as a well 高深莫测；难以捉摸

as silly as a goose 像鹅一样愚蠢；蠢极了

as fast as a hare 像野兔一样快；动如脱兔

as quiet as a sheep 静如绵羊

as bright as daylight 亮如白昼

as brave as a lion 像狮子一样勇敢

as radiant as roses 像玫瑰一样容光焕发

as playful as a kitten 像小猫一样顽皮

as good as gold 规规矩矩；表现好

as hungry as a hunter 非常饥饿

as gentle as a breeze 宛若微风般轻柔

On the last day of school,he dashed out of the school gate feeling as happy as a clam at high tide.

在上学的最后一天，他冲出学校大门，感觉像涨潮时的蛤蜊一样高兴。

At the sight of the snake,her face turned as pale as a sheet.

一看到那条蛇，她的脸色就变得苍白如纸。

【参考范文】

（加黑部分使用了比喻句。）

Paragraph 1:

Dadopenedtheboxandasweetlittledogappeared.Dad put the box on the ground and opened the top.A shiny little wet nose popped up,and then two fluffy paws.Next the box tipped over sideways,and out tumbled a mass of wiggly golden silliness.Poppy barked,feeling as happy as a clam at high tide.The little pup was not shy and immediately started yipping and jumping around the older dog.Both dogs went roaring around the house in an impromptu game of chase.Happiness washed over the two dogs like warm sunshine.

Paragraph 2:

Afewweekslater,theboyarrivedhomefromuniversity.He missed Poppy so much and was looking forward to seeing her.Filled with excitement,Poppy charged towards him like a flying bullet.When he bent down to give her a big hug,he fell over in surprise as a small golden cloud came racing up to lick his face too.“Oh my gosh,who is this?”At the sight of it,his face turned as pale as a sheet.His parents laughed at the look of shock on his face.“That's Pee-wee,”said Dad.“I can't believe you got yourselves a puppy!”the boy replied.“We didn't.This puppy is for Poppy!”replied Mom.

【模拟导练】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

It was summer,and my dad wanted to treat me to a vacation like never before.He decided to take me on a trip to the Wild West.

We took a plane to Albuquerque,a big city in the state of New Mexico.We reached Albuquerque in the late afternoon.Uncle Paul,my dad's friend,picked us up from the airport and drove us up to his farm in Pecos.

His wife Tina cooked us a delicious dinner and we got to know his sons Ryan and Kyle.My dad and I spent the night in the guestroom of the farm house listening to the frogs and water rolling down the river nearby.Peace washed over us like a gentle breeze.Very early in the morning,Uncle Paul woke us up to have breakfast.“The day starts at dawn on my farm,”he said.After breakfast,I went to help Aunt Tina feed the chickens,while my dad went with Uncle Paul to take the sheep out to graze (吃草).I was impressed to see my dad and Uncle Paul riding horses.They looked really as cool as warriors.

In the afternoon,I asked Uncle Paul if I could take a horse ride,and he said yes,as long as my dad went with me.I wasn't going to take a horse ride by myself anyway.So,my dad and I put on our new cowboy hats,got on our horses,and headed slowly towards the mountains.“Don't be late for supper,”Uncle Paul cried,“and keep to the track so that you don't get lost!”“OK!”my dad cried back.After a while,Uncle Paul and his farm house were out of sight.It was so peaceful and quiet and the colors of the brown rocks,the deep green pine trees,and the late afternoon sun mixed to create a magic scene.It looked like a beautiful woven(编织的)blanket spread out upon the ground just for us.

注意：续写词数应为150左右。

Paragraph 1:

Suddenlyalittlerabbitjumpedoutinfrontofmyhorse.____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Paragraph 2:

Wehadnoideawherewewereanditwasgettingdark.____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

【评价导思】

1.我的续写文章在语言上与前文是否协同一致？

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2.在凸显人物情绪和性格时，我使用了哪些句式结构？

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3.为了更好地凸显人物情绪，哪些句子适合改为比喻句？

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