盲人画家

John Bramblitt

The first year that I lost my eyesight I didnt do any art. It didnt even occur to me to try to draw， and Id drawn all my life. I was in the deepest， darkest hole. I really felt like I had no worth anymore. Whenever you lose your eyesight， there is a disconnect with people. I wanted to let people know that I was still me， that I was still in here. And finally I knew I had to get my hands dirty， I had to get back into art. Even if it was wrong， if it was crazy…

在我失明的第一年，我并没有从事任何艺术创作。我甚至没有想过要去画画，而我应当画一辈子的。我当时仿佛掉进了无底深渊，我真的觉得我没有什么价值了。人一旦失明之后，就会跟其他人断绝了联系。但我想让人们知道，我依然是我，我依然在这里。最后我意识到，我必须开始作画，我得回到艺术的轨道上。即使这看起来是个错误的决定，即使这显得很疯狂……

I started one evening with this paint that dries really fast and it leaves a raised line， and I drew all that night， but， you know， this…this pretty much makes it official， “John， youre crazy.” And I would just 1）crumple up paper， cause Id make a mistake， Id crumple it up， Id throw it down. I was sitting on the floor and I drew all that night. By the next morning， I was surrounded by paper. It was like…it was like I was sitting in a little white nest of paper， and I had this weird feeling， you know. For a second I almost thought I was getting sick or something and it occurred to me， it was hope.

The raised lines are a map for me. Its a way to guide myself across the 2）canvas. The way I tell colour， it depends on the…on the type of paint. When I first started painting it was all oil paints， and I love oil. I worked 14， 16， 18 hours a day every day for about three months， mixing a little bit of one with the， you know， seeing how that felt， mixing a little bit， adding some thinner， seeing how that felt， just mixing them. If Im working with a black， itll be runny， almost like oil. And if Im working with a 3）titanium white， its like toothpaste. So whenever Im mixing these two paints， they feel completely different. So if I want a grey halfway between， I just mix for a texture thats halfway between that really loose feeling and that really thick feeling. And it turns out thats a really precise way of…of mixing colour.

那是从某天晚上开始，我用一种干得很快的颜料作画，这种颜料会在画板上留下一条凸起的线。那晚，我整晚都在画画。但是，你知道，这似乎证明了一点，“约翰，你太疯狂了。”我把纸揉成一团，因为每当我画错了，我就把纸揉烂，然后把它们扔掉。我就这样坐在地板上画了一宿。到了第二天早上，我发现我周围都是纸团。就像……就像是我坐在了用纸张筑成的白色小巢里，你知道，我当时就是有这样一种奇怪的感觉。有那么一瞬，我几乎觉得我病了，或其他不舒服之类的，但它却让我感觉到了——希望。

那些凸起的线条简直就是我的地图，指导我在画布上作画。我区分颜色的方法取决于……取决于颜料的种类。我刚开始作画的时候，用的都是油画颜料，因为我喜欢油画。我每天都画上14、16、18个小时，我这样坚持了三个月。我试着每天混合不同的颜料，你知道，感受一下新颜料的触感；再混进一点颜料，加上一点稀释剂，再感受一下；只是这样把它们混合在一起。如果我用的是黑色的，那它应该是比较稀的，差不多跟油一样。如果我用的是钛白色，那它摸起来像牙膏。所以，不管什么时候，我把这两个颜料混合起来，它们都会给你完全不同的感觉。那么，如果我需要一个淡灰色，我就会把颜料混合在一起，寻找摸起来感觉在稀松与粘稠之间的混合物。我发现，这真是一个调颜色的精确方式。

Jackie， shes my love， shes brilliant. Shes courageous too because Im a blind painter， and she married a blind painter. So， I mean， youve really gotta give her credit for that， for having the vision. I have a 3？ year-old son now. The seconds after he was born， I was able to feel his face and see what he looks like. Thats such a gift！ The feelings I had， feeling his face when he was born.

Art has opened up the world to me in a…in a whole new way. I see things in a new way. I see less， you know， I have to feel to see， but what I do see， I see with a lot more detail and with a lot more emotion to it. Painting is the way that I know the world now， its the way I visualize the world. Its my connection to it.

I love my family. You know， I love my son， I love my wife， but painting is just a part of me. I didnt paint before I lost my eyesight， but it was because I was too afraid. I had a fear， like， I knew that I wouldnt be a very good painter. It wasnttil after I lost my eyesight that I wasnt afraid to fail anymore. The first step into my art career was going blind. I was an 4）epileptic and I was blind， and now Im ten…ten years later Im still an epileptic， Im still blind， and Im happier than Ive ever been in my life. Life has more colour， I have more love in my life， and I think what I learned from losing my eyesight and finding art is just to try to stay in the moment； be in the moment as much as you can.

杰姬，我的爱人，她真的很棒。她也勇气可嘉，因为我是一个盲人画家，而她嫁给了我这个盲人画家。所以，我的意思是，她的远见，这是她了不起的地方。我现在有一个三岁半的儿子，他刚出生的时候，我就可以摸到他的脸，也因此能“看到”他的长相了。那真是上苍赐给我的礼物！上天赐给我这样的能力，让我可以在他出生之时感受到他的脸。

艺术用一种全新的方式为我开启了一扇通往世界的门。我用一种新的方式看世界。我能看到的比较少，你知道，我只能通过感觉去看世界。但是我这样去看，我在意更多细致之处，我投入更丰沛的感情。现在，作画是我认识世界的途径，是我看世界的途径，是把我和世界连接的途径。

我爱我的家庭。你知道，我爱我的儿子，我爱我的妻子，绘画仅仅是我生活中的一部分。在我失明之前（编者注：指得了癫痫到失明的那段时期），我没有绘画，但那只是因为我太害怕了。我有这样一种恐惧感，就像，我觉得我不会是一个技艺精湛的画家。但自从我失明之后，我再也不怕失败了。直通我艺术生涯的第一步就是失明。我是个癫痫症患者，我是个盲人，十年之后的今天，我依然是癫痫患者，我依旧是盲人，但这却是我人生中最幸福的时刻。生活多姿多彩，我的生活充满更多的爱。从失明和探讨艺术中我认识到，活在当下是很重要的；请尽你所能地活在当下吧。