优秀恐惧症

文◎Bogota 绘◎马豆子

I was the best student in my high school. I put so much pressure on myself. I never failed a class. But I got sick during 10th grade and I started to fall behind①. That's when the panic attacks②began. One day the teacher handed me my grade report,and I couldn't breathe. My heart was beating very fast. I felt disconnected. I saw people trying to talk to me but I couldn't hear them. Eventually I passed out and woke up in the infirmary③.The attacks were almost daily after that. Last year I started college. And I can't be the best student here no matter how④hard I try. Everyone is so talented⑤. My panic attacks got so bad that I had to cancel my first semester. But now I'm working on acknowledging⑥my anxiety. I used to try to hide it. I would log off⑦social media. I wouldn't answer calls. I thought that if nobody knew, it didn't exist. But the more I talk about my problem, the more I realize that other people experience similar things. So I'm trying to express it more. I had a great teacher who told me: "Instead of letting anxiety keep you from doing your art, let it be the thing that motivates⑧your art."

我曾是我们高中最好的学生。我给自己施加很大的压力，从没挂过任何一科。但我在十年级的时候生了病，然后就开始落后了，那时我的恐惧症开始了。一天，老师递给我我的成绩单，我都无法呼吸了，心跳得特别快。我蒙了，我看到有人试着跟我说话，但我听不见。最后我昏倒了，在医务室里醒来。从那之后，恐惧症几乎每天都会发作。去年，我开始上大学了。无论多么努力，我都不能成为这里最好的学生，每个人都那么有才华。我的恐惧症变得很严重，以至于我第一个学期不得不休学，但现在我正在努力承认我的忧虑。我曾经试图掩饰它，我会注销社交媒体，不接电话。我曾想，如果没人知道，那它就不存在。但是我越是谈及我的问题，就越发意识到其他人也经历着类似的事情，所以我试着更多地表达自己。我有一位伟大的老师，他告诉我说：“与其让忧虑阻止你成就你的艺术，不如让它成为激发你的艺术的东西。”

①fall behind 拖欠；落在后面

②panic attacks 突如其来的一阵惊恐

③ inf i rmary 英 [ɪn'fɜːm(ə)rɪ] 美 [ɪn'fɝməri]n. 医务室；医院；养老院

④no matter how 无论多么

⑤ talented 英 ['tæləntɪd] 美 ['tæləntɪd]adj. 有才能的；多才的

⑥ acknowledge 英 [ək'nɒlɪdʒ] 美 [ək'nɑlɪdʒ]vt. 承认；答谢；报偿；告知已收到

⑦log off 注销；断线，退出系统

⑧ motivate 英 ['məʊtɪveɪt] 美 ['motə'vet]vt. 刺激；使有动机；激发……的积极性